How to Stop Stress From Ruining Your Leadership
How to Stop Stress From Ruining Your Leadership
You have a difficult decision to make. Your team needs answers. A client is unhappy. There is a problem you did not see coming, and people are looking to you to figure it out.
What happens next?
Do you become more focused and intentional? Or do you start reacting, pushing harder, micromanaging, and trying to control everything around you?
Most leaders know how to work hard. Many know how to solve complicated problems, manage competing priorities, and keep moving when other people would stop. But what happens when the very habits that helped you succeed begin to interfere with your ability to lead?
After 36 years of working in holistic health and leadership development, I have seen how easily capable people can lose their clarity under pressure. I have also experienced what happens when you confuse constant effort with effective leadership.
The answer is not necessarily to work harder, read another leadership book, or copy someone else's routine. It is to learn how to lead yourself first.
I’m Stephana Oetinger, leadership energy and resilience expert, keynote speaker, creator of P.I.L.O.T. Your Way™, and founder of Lead Stronger Longer. My work helps leaders recognize what is affecting their energy, thinking, and decisions so they can respond with greater clarity and guide others without resorting to fear or control.
If stress is beginning to affect your performance, your relationships, or the way you show up for your team, there is a better place to start.
How Does Stress Affect Leadership and Job Performance?
Stress is not always the enemy. A demanding presentation, an important deadline, or a difficult conversation can bring energy and focus to a situation. Some pressure can help us rise to an occasion.
The trouble begins when stress overwhelms our ability to think clearly, consider alternatives, and choose our response.
Research examining stress and executive functioning has found that acute stress can impair working memory and cognitive flexibility, although the effects vary with the circumstances and the individual. These are important abilities for leaders who need to process information, adapt to changing conditions, and make sound decisions.
When you are under sustained pressure, you may notice changes such as:
Reactive decision-making. You respond to the loudest problem instead of assessing what matters most.
Micromanagement. You become less comfortable allowing others to exercise judgment, so you start controlling details that do not require your involvement.
Reduced listening. You hear what you expect to hear rather than staying curious about what someone is actually telling you.
Difficulty prioritizing. Everything feels urgent, and you struggle to determine the next right action.
Strained relationships. Your impatience, defensiveness, or need for control spills into conversations with colleagues, employees, and family.
Neglected personal needs. Sleep, movement, meals, quiet, and recovery become the first things sacrificed to keep work moving, which of course just prolongs and perpetuates the issues.
These are not proof that you are a bad leader. They are signals worth paying attention to.
The question is not simply, "How do I make the stress go away?"
The more useful question is, "What is happening to my ability to lead while this stress is present?"
The Leadership Mistake That Keeps You Stuck in a Stress Cycle
One of the most frustrating patterns I see is a capable leader who keeps searching for the answer outside themselves.
Something isn't working. They read another book. They listen to another expert or podcast. They try someone else's morning routine, productivity system, leadership framework, or stress-management technique.
It works for a little while, perhaps. Or it doesn't work at all.
Then they assume they must be doing something wrong, so they search again and push harder.
The cycle continues.
More information. More effort. More self-criticism. More searching.
Today, the cycle can include hours of scrolling, consuming leadership content, and asking AI for the next answer. These tools can be useful, but information alone does not guarantee that you will recognize your own patterns or apply what you learn when the pressure is on.
The problem with copying someone else's solution is that you are not someone else.
Your responsibilities, values, physical energy, relationships, history, and circumstances are your own. Advice that works beautifully for another leader may not address what is actually affecting you.
You don't necessarily need another answer. You may need to become more aware of the question you should have been asking in the first place.
Why self-leadership comes before leading others
My belief is straightforward: leadership begins with the willingness to lead yourself.
That means being honest about your decisions, your habits, your reactions, and the things you may prefer not to see. It means recognizing when fear is driving your behavior, when you are avoiding a difficult truth, and when you are trying to control something because you don't know how else to respond.
It also means learning to observe without immediately judging yourself or someone else.
When you can do that, you create space between what happens and what you choose to do about it.
That space is where better leadership begins.
The First Sign Stress Is Affecting Your Leadership
In my experience, one of the earliest signs is that you are no longer fully present.
You may be physically in the meeting, but mentally you are already arguing with someone, preparing your defense, anticipating what could go wrong, or thinking about the ten things waiting for you afterward.
You are not responding to what is actually happening. You are responding to the story you are telling yourself about what is happening.
This is where micromanagement often begins.
When a leader feels threatened or uncertain, controlling more details can feel like taking charge. But controlling every detail is not the same as leading. Sometimes it means the leader has lost sight of the bigger picture and no longer trusts themselves or the people around them.
A strong leader can hold the larger vision while paying attention to what is actually happening in the present.
That requires observation, not assumption.
Try asking yourself:
What do I know to be true right now?
What am I assuming?
What am I feeling, and how might that be affecting my interpretation?
What is actually mine to address?
What is the next useful action?
These questions do not make a genuine problem disappear. They help you see it more clearly so you can decide what to do.
How to Stop Stress From Affecting Your Leadership: 5 Practical Steps
You do not need to overhaul your entire life before your next meeting. Start by noticing what happens when you are under pressure and practice returning to a more deliberate way of responding.
1. Practice presence before you need it
When pressure rises, return your attention to the present moment.
Notice where you are. Feel your feet on the floor. Relax your jaw if you notice it tightening. Pay attention to your breathing without forcing it. Listen to the person in front of you instead of rehearsing your response.
I teach clients to use a simple "wall check" as one way to interrupt automatic behavior and reconnect with the present. The exact practice can vary, but the principle is to stop for a moment, notice what is happening, and return to what is actually in front of you.
Do not wait until a high-stakes meeting to practice being present. Build the habit in ordinary moments so you have something familiar to return to when the pressure increases.
Think about how a skilled athlete practices the basics repeatedly. When competition arrives, those fundamentals are already familiar.
Leadership deserves the same preparation.
2. Use your breath as a practical point of return
Your mind and body influence each other. When you are stressed, you may notice that your breathing becomes shallow or hurried, your shoulders tighten, or your body feels ready to react.
Rather than trying to force yourself to think positively, start with something you can notice directly: your breath.
Try this simple practice:
Pause before responding to the next stressful email or difficult question.
Let your shoulders soften if that feels comfortable.
Breathe gently but fully, allowing the exhale to lengthen naturally.
Notice the physical sensations of breathing without straining or holding your breath.
Ask yourself what the situation actually requires from you.
Breathing is not a substitute for resolving a serious problem. It is a practical way to pause, notice your state, and give yourself an opportunity to choose your response.
If a breathing exercise makes you dizzy or uncomfortable, return to your normal breathing (because of my years of work with PTSD and trauma states, breathing practices can trigger things so I'm not saying breath work is your cure all)
3. Clarify your vision, values, and intention
Before deciding what to do, get clear on what you are trying to accomplish and why it matters.
In my work with leaders, we examine vision, values, identity, and the virtues a person believes are essential to living that identity. Then we translate those ideas into a simple plan of action.
I often use three areas as a framework:
Energy: What supports your ability to think, act, and live well?
Work: What are you here to accomplish, and how do you want to accomplish it?
Love: How do you want to show up in your relationships (including with yourself!) and the rest of your life?
These areas affect one another. If your energy is depleted, it becomes harder to bring your best thinking to work or your full attention to the people you love.
The plan does not need to be complicated. I favor a simple card with a short list of meaningful actions rather than a sprawling document that becomes another obligation.
When a problem arises, ask yourself:
"What is my intention here?"
Perhaps your intention is to understand what happened. Perhaps it is to make a decision, listen without interrupting, establish a boundary, or clarify an expectation.
A clear intention gives your attention somewhere useful to go.
4. Observe the facts before you act on your interpretation
A team member misses a deadline. A colleague challenges your recommendation. A client is unhappy.
You might immediately interpret the event as disrespect, incompetence, or an attempt to undermine you.
But those are interpretations. You still need to establish what happened.
What do you know? What do you need to clarify? What information is missing? What conversation would help you understand the situation?
This is not about pretending that every circumstance is acceptable or that every problem comes from your thinking. Some workplaces have unreasonable workloads, bullying, discrimination, unsafe conditions, or other serious problems that require action.
Self-leadership does not mean accepting mistreatment. It means being clear enough to recognize what is happening and decide how to respond.
Sometimes the right response is a conversation. Sometimes it is a boundary, a change in the way work is organized, or a decision to leave.
The goal is to make that decision from clarity rather than automatic reaction.
5. Build your own recovery practices instead of copying someone else's routine
There is no universal morning routine that every leader needs to follow.
For one person, the most important change may be protecting sleep. For another, it may be taking a proper lunch break, getting outside, walking and moving more regularly, or creating space away from constant notifications.
Someone else may need to address an unresolved relationship problem or finally have a conversation they have been avoiding.
Start by asking yourself what is most affecting your energy and clarity.
Then choose one meaningful change you can realistically practice.
You might begin with fifteen minutes of quiet each day. Put your phone away, sit comfortably, and allow yourself to notice your thoughts without immediately trying to fix them. If you feel uncomfortable with silence, be curious about that rather than forcing a particular experience.
You may discover that your mind is crowded with unfinished conversations, worries, or decisions. That observation can help you identify what needs attention.
You can also review your sleep, nutrition, hydration, movement, and emotional habits. These are interconnected foundations of well-being, not separate boxes to check off.
The point is not to follow my routine. It is to develop enough self-awareness to understand what you need and take responsibility for putting it into practice.
P.I.L.O.T. Your Way™: A Different Approach to Leading Under Pressure
I developed my P.I.L.O.T. Your Way™ approach through my own experiences with leadership, stress, and motherhood.
As a teenager, I took an aviation elective because I wanted the opportunity to experience flying. I eventually found myself at Falcon Field in Mesa, Arizona, with a pilot who taught me far more than how to operate an aircraft.
I was excited, but I was also terrified.
He helped me pay attention to the plane, understand the tools available to me, and know what to expect. He established a clear intention for the flight: we would go up, look around, and return safely.
Then we encountered turbulence.
My fear intensified. But rather than allowing the fear to determine what happened next, he brought my attention back to what we could observe and what we could actually do.
That experience stayed with me. Later, as a mother trying to navigate significant personal challenges, I began developing the principles that became P.I.L.O.T. Your Way™
The acronym represents five practices:
P
Practice Presence
Return to what is happening now rather than getting carried away by your assumptions, fears, or imagined outcomes.
I
Intention
Know what you are trying to accomplish. A clear intention helps guide your attention and actions.
L
Let Go
Release what no longer serves, release the need to control what you cannot control. Keep your attention on what you can influence and the choices available to you.
O
Observe
Look at what is actually there. Notice facts, patterns, and your own reactions before deciding what they mean.
T
Tools
Learn to recognize which tools and practices are appropriate for the situation, and practice using them before you need them.
The central idea is simple: you cannot pilot someone else's vessel.
You can guide your team, support your people, and help others find their way. But if you are not taking responsibility for your own thoughts, energy, and choices, you are not fully occupying your own pilot seat.
You may be operating on autopilot. Or you may be allowing fear, other people's expectations, or old habits to determine your direction.
P.I.L.O.T. Your Way is a reminder to take back the controls.is a reminder to take back the controls.
You do not have to eliminate every storm
Leadership will always involve uncertainty, difficult conversations, competing priorities, and moments when you do not know exactly what to do.
The goal is not to create a life in which nothing difficult happens.
It is to develop the ability to observe what is happening, recognize your options, and choose your next step without being swept away by every change in circumstance.
I often describe this as learning to stand in the eye of the storm. The storm may still be moving around you, but you can develop a more grounded place from which to see and respond.
That is a different experience from being carried wherever the storm takes you.
What Changes When a Leader Starts Addressing the Right Problem?
One client came to me during an extraordinarily difficult period in both his personal life and his business. He was facing serious relationship challenges, financial problems, and decisions he had been avoiding.
He was overwhelmed, and several important business responsibilities had been neglected.
Our work began by examining what was actually happening and identifying actions he could take.
Within the first month, he confronted a financial issue that needed attention and began following up on outstanding receivables. He recovered approximately $50,000 in overdue payments by addressing billing and collection tasks that had been left unattended.
We also worked on interrupting his habitual reactions. Rather than remaining seated and absorbed in a stressful thought loop, he practiced standing up, clapping his hands, and saying, "I'm excited. Bring it on."
It was a simple physical interruption that helped him practice responding differently.
Over time, he addressed deeper personal issues, changed his habits, and made significant life decisions. He later reported losing 40 pounds without dieting, gaining custody of his children, establishing a new home, leaving a destructive marriage, and seeing his business perform better than ever.
Those outcomes came through sustained work, not a single exercise or one conversation. I share the example because it illustrates what can become possible when a person begins facing the truth, taking responsibility for practical actions, and changing long-standing patterns.
The important lesson is not that one technique will produce the same results for everyone.
It is that sometimes the most useful change is not another productivity system. It is identifying what has been neglected, facing what is true, and taking the next appropriate action.
How to Know Whether You Need a Personal Change or a Workplace Change
Self-awareness is powerful, but it should not become another reason to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.
If your workload is consistently unreasonable, your organization rewards harmful behavior, or you are dealing with discrimination, harassment, or unsafe conditions, the solution cannot be limited to breathing exercises or changing your attitude.
You may need to clarify responsibilities, renegotiate expectations, seek appropriate support, document concerns, establish boundaries, or make a change in your working situation.
At the same time, even when the circumstances are difficult, your ability to observe clearly can help you determine which options are available.
Ask yourself three questions:
1. What are the facts?
Separate what you can verify from what you suspect, fear, or have been told.
2. What is within my influence?
Identify the actions, conversations, boundaries, or decisions that are actually available to you.
3. What aligns with my values and purpose?
Consider what kind of leader you want to be and what you are willing to accept in pursuit of your goals.
You may decide to address the situation directly. You may need help from another person. You may decide the environment is not one in which you can continue to work well.
Those are real leadership decisions.
The aim is to make them with as much clarity and integrity as possible.
Start With One Change, Not Another Overwhelming Plan
You do not need to change everything today.
You do need to be willing to look honestly at what is happening.
Perhaps you have been sleeping poorly and expecting yourself to make complex decisions on depleted energy. Perhaps you are so accustomed to reacting that you rarely pause long enough to consider your intention. Perhaps you have been trying to control your team because you are afraid of what might happen if you stop.
Whatever the issue, start by identifying one change that could make a meaningful difference.
Then put it into practice.
Notice what happens. Review what you learn. Adjust as needed.
That is how you build a practice of self-leadership that belongs to you, rather than continually collecting advice that never quite becomes part of your life.
As I often remind the leaders I work with, you do not need to become someone else to lead well. You need to learn how to lead yourself.
Begin with The Leader's 2-Minute Energy Audit
Are You Powered On, or Running on Empty?
Before you reach for another book, strategy, or productivity system, take a moment to consider your current energy and how it may be affecting your leadership.
The Leader's 2-Minute Energy Audit is a practical place to begin. It helps you pause, assess where you are, and consider what may need your attention.
Take the 2-Minute Energy Audit
If you recognize that one area needs attention and you want help making a focused change, the next step is the Executive Reset.
This is a one-week intensive designed to identify and implement one clear change, adjustment, or alignment. You can then assess what you have learned and decide whether a longer working relationship makes sense.
The goal is not to add more demands to your life. It is to address the right thing and put it into practice.
Leadership Begins With You
After decades of working with people, I believe that good leadership is a humble practice.
It begins with the willingness to tell yourself the truth, observe what is happening, and take responsibility for your own choices. It requires enough self-awareness to recognize when your actions are not aligned with your values, and enough courage to make a change.
A leader is not there to control every person and circumstance. A leader is there to provide direction, guide others, and steward the work toward a meaningful purpose.
You cannot always choose the conditions you face. You can, however, develop a greater capacity to understand those conditions and respond thoughtfully. And when the conditions themselves are harmful, clear leadership includes taking action to address them.
So the next time stress begins to take over, do not automatically assume you need to push harder.
Pause. Get present.
Clarify your intention.
Let go and level up if needed.
Observe.
Then choose the right tool for your next step.
You cannot control every storm. But you can learn to pilot your way through it.
Stephana Oetinger is a leadership energy and resilience expert, keynote speaker, author of Stay S.A.N.E., and creator of P.I.L.O.T. Your Way™. She helps leaders strengthen self-awareness, protect their energy, and develop the clarity to lead themselves and others well. Bring P.I.L.O.T. Your Way to your team or event.
